Stories

My Uncle, Professor Moriarty.

The Man Who Provides The Right Evidence For Brussels.

Storytelling.O 311-professor-moriarty-waves-me-goodbye

Frauds and their Behaviour, Part 5

The family I come from is an intensely academic one, and my uncle is no exception. His lineage is pristine for a gentleman of his character. That is to say, a fine, upstanding and honest crook. You can see that as a marketer I followed closely in his footsteps. Only I’d like to tell you a little about him.

You see, my uncle Moriarty now works for Goldman Sachs and other such august institutions. Not officially of course, he’s a retired professor at the Erasmus in Rotterdam, Holland’s Cambridge. He now lives in a genteel corner of Brussels, where he works by wining and dining high level EU bureaucrats.

This arises from the fact that most financial issues are simply too complex for the EU parliament to understand. You need to understand that they need evidence. To this end, they defer their decisions to committees who gather the required evidence and prioritize it. The result is then handed up to the parliament. It is an excellent system.

It is also an excellent system for the likes of my uncle, as it’s wide open to abuse. Because he knows that the problem for the bureaucrat is the sheer weight of evidence available. It leaves these committees with something of a problem: which evidence is “evidence” and which “evidence” is not? More to the point: which “evidence” is important enough to be considered “evidence”? It is a tremendous headache for them! Were it not for a helping hand, their task would be simply unbearable. Which is why it is such a delight to receive an invitation from my highly esteemed uncle.

The Jagiellonian University at Krakow, Poland
The Jagiellonian University at Krakow, Poland

Not only are they invited to dinner at a lovely restaurant, his economic insights are acute. In the space of ten minutes our bureaucrat finds the veil is drawn from their confused and clouded mind. The situation becomes crystal clear to him! For certainty is everything to a bureaucrat and my uncle knows a great deal about certainties. Mention is made of an important paper by a fellow at the ancient and renowned Jagiellonian University of Kraków. Our bureaucrat is entranced, the depth of knowledge and mention of the august Professor Schlimowitz. The effect is to establish the crucial kernel of evidence that will give a clear and certain result.

You will quickly see that this “result” has the consequence that the committee’s findings are of – how might one put this? – of a “particular kind”. That is to say, one that my uncle has pre-determined for them through the particular quality of evidence he supplied them with. Since parliaments have total faith in the independence and integrity of their committees, they don’t counter any decisions they may make. Furthermore, they don’t go around asking stupid questions like “are the banks behind this?”.

That means bailouts get passed through without demur, and taxpayers’ money is transferred via the bank’s networks directly into their private accounts. That my uncle’s choice of evidence had little to do with academic excellence and more to do with the needs of his employers need not trouble us here. For he is paid handsomely for going out to lunch and dinner some three times a month.

That the wine list alone has vintages costing thousands will give you an idea of the scale of his fees.

And my uncle Moriarty being the intelligent chap he is, gets a healthy slice of the income gained from his activities. Which is another reason for my being very nice to him when invited to tea, and dutifully sending him a card every Christmas.

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